1.  "Take the derivitie of that!"

2.  "It doesn't matter whether or not you go to a funeral.  The person's already gone, so you can't hurt their feelings anymore."

3.  "Don't take advantage of a poor old man like me!"

4.  "I know a few languages - some German, a little French, and a little English."

5.  "Mrs. Vakili has two choices on who she goes to Homecoming with.  She can either say 'yes' to me or go with me.  See, I believe women have rights!"

6.  "As far as I'm concerned, they don't have to hire humans in professional sports.  They can hire animals and then they don't have to pay them millions of dollars."

7.  "A big nose is a sign of intelligence."

8.  "If someone says that I teach because I love children, tell them to shut up."

9.  "I've done this problem many times, but my mind is blank."

10.  "Do you know how much I hate being interrupted while I'm doing calculus?"

11.  "Instead of going through church, I correct papers.  Maybe I should do it the other way around."

12.  "Is there something funny back there that I should know about?  Because I feel kind of isolated here."  (to people who are talking)

13.  "Don't go too far, stay here, and stand six inches away from the wall."  (to people who are talking, when he's really tired of them talking)

14.  "A lot of athletes, when they are in school, they have one brain cell."

15.  "Next year, I'll be in Palm Springs this time of year."

16.  "They [the school administration] are bugging me that I have to stay [and teach]."

17.  "Now that you don't have any questions, can I go to sleep?"

18.  "The ones that got As [in my calculus classes], I always wondered how they do it."

19.  "I have it right there!  What's the matter with me?" (referring to something he was looking for)

20.  "For professors, absentminded is a compliment."

21.  "I am always right, even when I'm wrong."

22.  "I was surprised.  A lot of people did very well." (referring to a test)

23.  "Y'know why?  It's cause you have a good math teacher.  It has nothing to do with you." (referring to high math test scores)

24.  "If you are multitalented, you can do several things at once, which defies Einstein's theory."

25.  "I'm the smartest person in this room.  I don't want anyone smarter than me."  (regarding why he doesn't want anyone to get a 100% on the AP Calculus multiple-choice section)

26.  "When I was young, I hated dust.  Now I don't see dust."

27.  "The best thing is when you're deaf, you can't hear complaining." (while people are complaining)

28.  "Unfortunately, I don't have a boat, or else you could clean my boat for me."

29.  "[I'm going to] Go to Leisure World, [and] teach them how to drive."

Note: Mr. Vakili retired from the realm of full-time academia at the end of the 1997-98 school year.  His intelligence and creativity will be sorely missed at our school, but you can always catch him when he's filling in for Mrs. Pfaff or Mr. Dempsey as a substitute!